


Not Good Enough

by IggysNewRecipe



Series: The Kaizers and their tragidies [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: :sunglasses emojii:, Angst, FUCK, Jan doesn't actually do it but damn he fucking wants to, Like Jan does.. I hide my pain through terrible humor, M/M, Revolvers, Suicide Attempt, but it works - Freeform, i miss everyone i know but i cant do anything about it, im so damn tired of life im sorry, nice it's another vent my dudes, no beta we die like men, o-original work wOAaaH, this is the last tag, transgender character, writing these tags actually makes my heart ache
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:14:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23033800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IggysNewRecipe/pseuds/IggysNewRecipe
Summary: Jan loves Jan-Ove, but he doesn't think his husband loves him back. Jan-Ove sees Jan with a gun and finger on the trigger, and tries to show Jan that he does, but not many things can convince him of such a thing.
Relationships: Jan Kaizer/Jan-Ove Kaizer
Series: The Kaizers and their tragidies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1655434





	Not Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

> I read a fic and one of the tags is "light petting" and I didn't expect it to like- actually have light petting in it, I thought it meant something else but to be fair, a big buff cat guy and his owner who has golden hands and a single gold eye getting it on sounds kinda weird, huh?

When he walked in, he didn't think that Jan would be on the floor like that. He did not expect to see him set against the side of their shared bed, revolver pressed to the side of his head, finger on the trigger.

Without any other thought, he ran over to kick the hand that held the revolver, sending it flying in the air. It hit the wall with an audible thud, hitting off the wall to the floor.

Jan-Ove looked at Jan, breathing heavily, not from overexerting himself (just because he's nearing his forties does not mean that he's gettting old he finds himself reminding himself and Jan), but due to the situation that he had been cruely inserted into. 

"What do you think that you are doing?!" He yelled at Jan, angry tears forming in his eyes. "We have been married for ten years! Why would you not tell me something like this?!"

Jan blinked a few times at his husband. He lowered his head, bringing his knees up to his chest, arms wrapping around his knees subconciously. Jan refused to look at Jan-Ove. The graying man fell to his knees, shuffling awkwardly toward Jan.

"Why would you even try and do something like that?" He whispered, rubbing his eyes to get the tears out of his eyes. "Do you realize your worth? Do you realize just what you would do to us?" He whsipered, placing his hands unto Jan's cheeks, tilting his head up.

"Fuck Jan, you are by far the most important thing in my life, if you died I would follow suit." He said, hazel green eyes looking deeply into Jan's light chesnut eyes.

"I just..." Jan started, shakily. "I just figured that if.. If I was gone.." Jan closed his eyes, tears slipping out as he'd done so. "That you'd be so much happier, with- with a real man- o-or a woman." He said, now audibly crying.

Jan-Ove sighed shakily, pressing his forehead to his much shorter husband's own. He'd remembered when they first met that Jan had been far too girly to be a man, and he was right. Jan wasn't exactly a 'real man', and he always made jokes about it, but Jan-Ove tried him damdest to make sure that Jan never really thought what he said. 

"I have had other partners before, all of them critisizing me due to lack of a fun-nature, or how my scars were far too much to stare at."

Jan-Ove slipped his hand under Jan's chin, tilting his head up. Eyes opening, Jan looked at the man.

"You.. Are the reason I have continued on in life. You are my fun-nature- m-my only beauty."

Jan-Ove pressed a soft, sweet kiss to Jan's lips. "Though you had not been birthed a male, choosing instead to get yourself into a male body, I still love you just the same." He said, hushed, knowing full well that if he spoke any louder that his voice would crack due to his tears.

"You have always been Jan to me, nothing can ever change that." Jan-Ove said, unblind eye looking deeply into his lover's fully functional ones. 

This was one of the first times Jan-Ove had laid himself bare like this infront of Jan. He spoke of his feelings toward people rarely, but he realizes now that he should do it more with Jan. He knew he had prior self-hatred before, but had not expected that Jan would go so far as to grab the revolver Jan-Ove hid under his pillow to.. Shoot himself with.

It made Jan-Ove's chest ache deeply, like his heart was being mauled inside of him relentlessly. Jan was the only lover he had that made him feel this way about.. anything really. It was a strange feeling to him.

Jan-Ove's tongue came out to moisten his lips. "You are my everything. The dearest to my heart, the only one who can open the gates." He whispered. "I never thought I would laugh at anything in my life again, yet you always amaze me with your capabilities."

"You are amazing." He said.

This would all be flattering If Jan believed all of what was said to him.

**Author's Note:**

> ey iss ya boi iggy again, if you read this good on you but you really shouldn't have because uh, i suck asshole.
> 
> anyhow, any requests or beta needers can e-mail me at IggysNewRecipehs@hotmail.com


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